A Guide To Being The Life of The Pity Party
Be fun at parties
Welcome to the tongue-in-cheek guide to mastering the art of misery! If you’ve ever aspired to be the central character in a tragedy of your own making, look no further. Here are ten foolproof ways to ensure you’re the most joyless, self-centred person in any room. Buckle up for some gloomy fun!
1.Take everything personally. Remember other people are there to annoy you and if things don’t go your way it means they’re going the wrong way.
2. Only talk about yourself. Bonus points if you manage to turn the conversation back to you when someone else is sharing their emotions. They need to know you have it worse than them.
3. Find ways to be irritated. Bonus tip — complain as much as you can. I know that data shows we live in the best time in history but that’s BS. Your Amazon package was a day late and you’re not having it.
4. Hate rich people. Better yet, hate anyone who appears more successful than you. Even if you’d believe that we live in the most abundant time in history, there are people richer than you which means you can’t be happy and satisfied with what you have.
5. Only compare yourself to the very rich. Try Jeff Bezos or Elon Musk. Bill Gates might work too. Forget all the people in developing countries living on $100/month whilst supporting their 8-person family.
6. Find ways to blame others. Luckily there are lots to choose from: your parents, the weather, the government, your genes, inflation. The more you have to blame, the better.
7. Offend someone and when they call you out, tell them they’re overreacting and being too sensitive.
8. Be moody. Look unhappy, don’t smile and when asked how you are, have at least 2 things you’re dissatisfied with ready to go.
9. Feel entitled. The World owes you everything without you needing to give back. It’s best to be demanding. Your spouse, friends and family are to give you what you want or else they’re selfish.
10. Remember — the world revolves around you. Use phrases such as “Why does this always happen to me?” You’re definitely the first and only person to experience obstacles.
I wrote this in about 15 minutes back in July having been inspired by the time spent with a “professional” victim. I find people who always see the glass half empty interesting. The level of commitment to finding the worst things about everything is impressive.
I know it’s mostly unconscious and not everyone has self-awareness. Yet, I keep finding myself chuckling at such behaviour, mostly as a self-protection mechanism. We all have circumstances in our lives that suck, but at least 40% of our happiness levels are up to us.
How not to be? What not to do? How did they get there? — I think to myself when I meet a victim. I fear being so miserable I’m unbearable to be around. That fear is what this piece was born from.
