Why I’m a selfish as***le
The human condition — can it be escaped?
Ok, so as I age (says a 29-year-old, lol) I have less and less tolerance for pretending.
- Pretending that I’m humble.
- Pretending that I’m not afraid.
- Pretending that I don’t want something.
- Pretending that I care about climate change.
- Pretending that I don’t want loads of money.
- Pretending that I’m super confident and have my shit figured out.
- Pretending that I’m interested in the BS story someone is telling me about their life.
- Pretending that my friend is doing the right thing when in fact she is blaming someone for something that is her responsibility.
Stories
I have already spoken about the mind mechanism of creating stories here. Something happens and we turn it into a story about what it means about us, others or the world depending on our previous experiences and conditioning.
But stories also have to do with pretending and not taking responsibility.
I had a house lined up here in Bali. I verbally agreed with an acquaintance and then changed my mind. It doesn’t really matter why I changed my mind because the fact was that I changed it. But the story I created for myself and others was that I had a bad feeling about having any business with her. And it felt like the truth when in fact my mind just created a story to justify my decision and feel like less of an asshole for pulling out.
Our mind constantly creates stories and rationalises our behaviour, it’s automatic. So nothing wrong with that!
I’m a selfish asshole
This is something I learnt at Landmark Forum even though they don’t describe it in these terms nowadays. When I told to people after the course they felt shocked I could have “such a low opinion of myself”.
But in fact, it is very, VERY liberating to accept this about myself. It’s not just me, it’s every single human being because that’s how our mind works. That’s the ego mechanism — only interested in self-preservation and everything else is secondary.
Be honest, when you think about something aren’t you first thinking <ME>? What about me? Do I like it? Do I want it? What do I think? What will I have to do? I don’t like it. I disagree. I’m tired. What will they think of me? Will they like me? Does this outfit look good on me? Do they think I’m insecure? Etc. (There are always exceptions to the rule like parenting but parents as humans are not exempt from this).
I know I’m selfish and I no longer pretend to myself or others that I’m not. I don’t feel bad about it because I know I AM NOT THAT. I am not the ego coping mechanism I am me and I have an ego coping mechanism which always wants me to look out for myself first.
Creating yourself
Now when I accept and admit that the automatic mechanism within me is selfish, I can rise above it and create the way I want to be in the world. Consciously. Not from the place of battling that mechanism or pretending I don’t have it.
I just allow it to do its own thing and I do my own thing. Which is creating myself as I want to be in the world.
I feel insecure approaching other people and the voice in my head is like what will they think of us? You’re too loud! What’s up with the hand gestures? Why did you say this stupid thing? Why are you so energetic, calm down!
But ask anyone who knows me — I come across as confident and free. Making connections and having conversations is the easiest thing in the world for me because I created myself that way!
I choose to be genuinely interested in the other person and take myself out of the equation. I choose to see other people and genuinely connect. I’ve trained myself to be this way to the point where I AM this way now.
What areas in your life you’re unhappy with? How would you like to create yourself in that area?
Helpful resources
Youtube Werner Erhard
Meditate meditate meditate — cannot emphasize this enough. Meditation provides insight into our automaticity. I recommend the Waking Up app by Sam Harris. Here’s a free link.
Read Awareness by Anthony de Mello and Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
