My weight loss journey

Current “health” standard

They say striving to be fit is healthy. And sure it’s healthier than starving yourself till your ribs are showing but if you think you’re healthy by continuously obsessing over your butt/waist/hips size you’re delusional.

You look “healthy” but your mental health is suffering.

Society keeps selling us “better” versions of ourselves so we keep adjusting our bodies to be acceptable (a.k.a attractive).

I watch men and women online obsessively post their butt/six-pack pics and this is now a collectively desired shapes our bodies are supposed to be in.

Don’t even get me started on the fact that most health advice is only suitable for men’s physiology, not women’s. Researchers found that due to fluctuating nature of our hormones, it’s too hard to study.

Of course, anyone who’s deep in forcing their body into being a certain shape will say you’re crazy Rima, I LOVE this I LOVE being healthy.

But my observation is that what they love is the idea of looking a certain way. They can’t even feel what their body actually wants (this doesn’t apply to everyone but to a lot of people).

Restriction as “health”

I know this must sound like heresy because these ideas are so ingrained in our culture, in our minds.

If you want a cookie and you won’t eat it because it’s not your cheat day (what a stupid phrase) or past 3 pm (or whatever your time rule is),

Or you’re hungry but the only food you have access to is “bad” so you stay hungry,

you have a big problem.

Yet this is encouraged and normal in our society. Don’t be a pig, don’t eat cookies after 6 pm, hello where’s your willpower? And similar BS spread by the “health and wellness” industry.

When you want a cookie but reach for a pack of almonds instead you feel better not because you’ve made a “better” choice. But because you were compelled to adhere to societal standards in your head.

Sure an argument could be made that if you keep eating junk food, your body will crave more junk food. That is true. (In my professional and life experience though 9/10 times eating junk food is a deep-rooted psychological problem, not a willpower one).

My binge eating — weight gain -weight loss journey

It started when I was around 11, early 2000s. It’s funny because, at home, weight was never emphasised. My mom never called other people fat or discuss their weight/looks in any way. She never went on diets, stood in front of the mirror or show dissatisfaction with her body in any way.

But when I was 11 or 12 I remember I started measuring myself, my thighs, my belly, the gap between my thighs. I'm unsure whether I picked it up in some stupid teen magazine or the emerging Internet. But all of my friends did it. I did it. And I would do this every day and my hatred and focus on my body kept growing.

For the next 12 years (13 to 25) I was on a weight cycling journey (gain weight — lose weight).

When I was 15 I found out one of my shoulders was higher than the other so I started PT to adjust that. It came with weight loss and once I noticed I’m losing weight I started restricting food as well. Being skinny was the “goal”.

A year later everyone was praising me for my weight loss (which wasn’t much by the way, I was never really chubby) but I became quite skinny. I felt good about the praise but bad about myself. It wasn’t good enough I had to become ever skinnier. I was still looking in the mirror feeling hatred towards my body.

So I’ve spent the next 2 years trying to become skinnier and at 17, started gaining weight because I was binging hard. I’m talking about eating A TON of sugar every day, multiple packs of cookies, crisps etc. When it started the amounts weren’t big but they grew over time. By the time I was 18, I was at my heaviest. I remember I was making a dress for my graduation and every few weeks when I went to try on the dress in the making, the tailor would have to widen it as I gained weight.

Adulthood

Fast forward to my move to London (18 and a half), my weight slowly started shedding off. For the simple reason of not being hyper-focused on it and trying to build my life there. I was more relaxed around food and wasn’t obsessive. It was a period of relaxation in my weight-cycling journey.

Then at around 21–22, I joined the gym because I felt a craving to move consistently. For a while, I enjoyed working out but about 6 months in I weaponised movement and started hyper-focusing on weight again. Restricted eating hours, and only allowed myself “bad” food once a week (Sundays). Btw I would eat so much freakin food on Sundays that I couldn’t move for the rest of the day.

I went to the gym more often, and people started praising me for weight loss and the same psychological loop again: I felt good about the praise and terrible about myself. Tried to fix it by losing even more weight.

I got to the point where in the evenings (strictly before 6 pm) I’d only eat salad and once when I was hungry I ate a piece of bread with that salad and then cried for the rest of the night about how weak I was.

Looking back now, that was the point that would have me start binging again. I must have been starving my body for a good year by then and of course, my body was gonna start eating more calories.

So it started slowly again: I remember eating dinner and then having AN ENTIRE JAR of peanut butter — I just couldn’t stop eating it. Needless to say, I felt very, very sick for the rest of the night and the next day.

I also started doing something that describes every binge: I’d overeat, and then the next day starve myself and then on and on and on. Endless cycle.

I also remember going to the gym on an empty stomach in the morning and running until I burnt 800 calories.

Then, went to the shop next door, bought red velvet cake (6 servings) and ate it all in one go. Felt sick again, starved again.

Fast forward to 23, I stopped going to the gym and started eating a ton of sugar again. The amounts increased with each week and at the very height (24 y.o) of it, I would come back from work, eat dinner and then go to a local shop and get: a big pack of popcorn, a tub of ice cream, 1 snicker, 1 Twix, 1 pack of crisps and a pack of Oreos and would EAT IT ALL. I would change things up once in a while but the quantity never changed.

It became such a crazy cycle that I couldn’t escape it.

I think the longest I went without binging was a couple of days and then I would start again. I was putting on weight by the week at that point. But it wasn’t about the weight really although that bothered me too.

It was the mental state of ALWAYS thinking about food. I’d be thinking about lunch when I’d be eating breakfast. At work, I would look forward to going home so I could binge just to relieve the mental stress I felt.

The first moments of digging into that pile of food were like taking a lid off of a pressure cooker. It felt gooooood so I tried to stuff as much in as possible before the shame, guilt, embarrassment, and anxiety kicked in.

I became depressed and started seeing a therapist. It was getting a bit better but no massive changes.

I finally got out of that cycle when I travelled around SE Asia.

Looking back now though, I would say it was the psychological issues + starving my body that created weight cycling. NOT lack of willpower.

👉 I had a problematic relationship and then a breakup

👉 Core beliefs about life that weren’t working any more

👉 I was experiencing existential anxiety and possibly depression

👉 Childhood wounds, not enough love and attention which I tried to fill with food

👉 Both times I was in a time of transition, stepping into adulthood (once graduating high school and once graduating university)

How I relate to my weight now

I’ve done a lot of PSYCHOLOGICAL work since then and I continue to do it. As I mentioned above, it is now normal in our society to be constantly obsessed with how our body looks.

My mind has been shaped by society so I notice that sometimes when I’m at the gym I start comparing myself to other women and start feeling bad about myself. That’s ok to have these thoughts but I know they’re not ME they’re the societal standards of what looks good.

I then remind myself of the TRUTH which is that my body is perfect as it is, it has and IS serving me so well that it isn’t fair to have these thoughts. I shift my focus onto how I felt in my body at that moment. I feel strong, I feel capable, I feel in touch with myself and I feel grateful.

I focus on how it makes me feel to be in my body, how I’m getting stronger, and how I’ll be able to climb a mountain next time I’m travelling or walking long distances without getting tired. I focus on the mental clarity I get. I focus on a sense of accomplishment.

I no longer have rigidity around food and eat when I’m hungry not when my clock says it’s time.

I don’t have a number of times a week that I must go to the gym. Sometimes I go often and other times not that often, I do more yoga or walking. Or nothing at all if that’s my body’s desire.

Your body knows better than your mind

I guarantee you, if you REALLY TRULY get in touch with your body, you won’t become fat and obese (all the things your mind fears).

Your body actually craves nutritious food and movement. It is literally built into the system through evolution.

Evolution built in a craving for sugar too but that’s because we need it. I don’t have rigid rules around sugar and I don’t sit around all day eating cookies.

Your body has been developing for millions of years so don’t tell me your mind knows better, it doesn’t.

I feel so sad that women still are valued and value themselves by how their body looks. They think they don’t but they do. It comes out in different ways.

When I ask my friends how they’re doing they’re gonna tell me how their career is going, how their relationship is and HOW THEY EITHER GAINED OR LOST WEIGHT.

Let’s focus on this instead

👉 On what women’s bodies can do. It literally allows us to experience life. Move, explore, travel, have se.x, hug, talk, give birth etc.

👉 We should focus on the fact that working out creates opioids within our bodies, making us feel good.

👉 When we take care of our body we have a better quality of life.

The list above is endless. We all know the benefits. Why not remind ourselves of that next time we’re at the gym comparing with the woman next to us or looking in the mirror to see what else needs “fixing”?

You can look healthy and still be unhealthy.

If you‘re interested to dig deeper, I wrote a dissertation on weight cycling. You can read it here.

P.S. I also write a newsletter about psychology, human nature and self-development, so if you want to get that directly to your inbox you can subscribe here or connect with me on Instagram or LinkedIn