Why Seeking Validation Is a BAD Idea

Getting validated is unsustainable

It is human to seek validation from other people. Usually, the closer someone is to us, the more we need them to validate us.

Let’s consider the circle of people in our lives

Now, if a total stranger doesn’t support my decision I don’t care that much.

If my country doesn’t support my decision it might make it difficult for me legally but I still don’t care that much.

If my community (say religion) doesn’t support my decision I feel a little bit more affected now because I’ve been raised in this dichotomy of right/wrong and it’s making it difficult for me to go against what I’ve been taught. I don’t want to become ostracized by my community.

If my friends don’t support my decision it now becomes even harder because my friends know me and if they think I’m making the wrong decision are they right? After all, we’ve known each other all those years.

Finally, the big one for most of us: family. If my family doesn’t support my decision I will most likely feel inner turmoil and disconnection: why can’t they just support me?

So the closer someone is, the more validation we require from them.

No one can ever give you what you don’t have within

Notice that the Self isn’t even in this circle. Because we’re social creatures, our need for validation is associated with others.

But I’m going to say that it’s total fucking bullshit.

To become a fully mature (psychologically) and responsible adult, one needs to source validation from within.

My friend told me a story about her and her father: she was in her late 40s and wanted to do something her father disapproved of. When she said she was going to do it anyway, he said that if she did, he’d never speak with her again. She went ahead and did her own thing and didn’t speak with her dad for 8 years because of the choice she had made.

See, validation is usually conditional. It says: I need love, comfort and support from you and if I don’t get it I will collapse and feel miserable (on some level at least).

What’s underneath though is willingness to give away your responsibility for your life. If I want validation, I want someone else to confirm I’m okay, I’m lovable and I’m doing the right thing. But this puts me at the mercy of others.

There’s nothing wrong with that of course! But true inner freedom is not sourced from others. It can only be found within. It’s usually life’s work and most people don’t do this work. Because it’s hard AF.

Personal story

I recently had my friend ask if the big decision she was making was a good one.

I said: I won’t give you validation because it’s not mine to give. It’s your life and you should live as you see fit.

She replied asking whether I think no one should ever validate each other then?

I said: I don’t know what other people do whether they should or shouldn’t. I’m not going to give validation because I don’t want to take responsibility for someone else’s decisions. I don’t want that.

For someone who doesn’t know me this might come across as harsh but I realized a simple truth recently: on some level, asking for advice is shifting responsibility to someone else. Asking for validation is shifting responsibility to someone else.

In reality, no one knows what they’re doing, what decision is right or wrong or what someone else should do.

I’m not saying, of course, to go around now and give no validation. It’s more of a felt thing: when I feel like I strongly “know” what the other person should or shouldn’t do, I withhold my validation because I can be 100% certain it’s based on my own opinions and not objective (aka what would be best for my friend) reality.

P.S. This isn’t the ‘truth’, it’s a perspective that might help you access more freedom. I do want validation from other people, and I want to give it to others. But ultimately, validation doesn’t come from other people.