The Big F-cking Problem with Self-development
We are fools and the game is rigged
A reader asked a question (thank you, Emma). “Where to stop your personal development? Sometimes I feel disconnected because it’s never enough. It makes me feel like I keep chasing something and am also unhappy with what I have right now. Does it make sense?”
Let’s first define what the term means. The Cambridge Dictionary says, “It’s the process of growing or changing and becoming more advanced.”
On the surface, that seems like a reasonable quest to pursue. Who doesn’t want to be better? However, the problem occurs when self-development becomes industrialised and creates a space for the ego to be distracted with yet another thing.
I will discuss the problem with personal development via two lenses: industry level and ego level.
The problem with the self-development industry
Personal development is a multi-billion dollar industry and its underlying marketing message is ‘something’s wrong with you and/or you’re good but you can become better’.
It relies on you never feeling good enough. If you’re good enough, you won’t buy. So the artificial need disguised as a noble pursuit is created. Self-development is trendy nowadays, it’d be shameful to admit that you don’t want to grow and that you’re okay with where you’re at.
You are fit, but don’t you want to push your boundaries and become even fitter? You have a job you enjoy but don’t you want to have passive income from your own business and sip margaritas on the beach? You’re pretty but don’t you want to contour your face to be even prettier?
How can I say no to that? Of course, I want to be -er. But have you noticed that even though we buy the promise of getting that next best version of ourselves, there’s always the next level? Not only that, we don’t feel happy for long when we unlock the next ‘best self’ level.
The gatekeepers
The gurus will say of course there is, our growth is a spiral and we keep rising upwards until we reach enlightenment (?). If only! Doesn’t that remind you of a corporate ladder? If you keep your head down and put in the work, one day you’ll get a seat at the adult’s table.
There are levels you need to go through and there are guides (aka gatekeepers) to your authentic self (reminds me of a pyramid scheme) and if you pay them, they’ll get you to that next level.
You’ll stay there for a while and the artificially created need to become better starts gnawing at you again. You’re good but you could be even better. Don’t you want to be better?
Reality check
Can’t you see? If this self-improvement thing would actually provide a better version of you and help you get in touch with your authentic self, the world would be full of enlightened people. How many of those have you met last week? Let me guess — zero. But I’ll bet you’ve met someone who’s ‘on a personal journey’, looking for the next best version of the Self.
Wake up and smell the shit: you will never get better because the game has been rigged. You’re trying to get better at the illusionary thing. The industry is built on you NEVER reaching the final level.
It’s a pyramid scheme and the only way you win at that game is when you start your own pyramid scheme. You then become the teacher/guide/coach/guru who’s an ‘ordinary person’ a few steps ahead of someone else and for a mere $10k is willing to show others the way. That’s the only way to win the game. Is that the game you want to play?
Ego looking for the true Self
The second problem with self-development stems from within — the ego. Who in you wants to become better? Who wants to become enlightened?
Have you ever achieved something you thought you really wanted and then were happy for some time and then all of a sudden, unhappiness set it? You want another thing now, this isn’t good enough. It’s a paradox you’re aware of but still, the pursuit continues.
The ego is happy for you to continue as long as you keep being distracted. The ego is sustained by keeping the personal drama alive. It loves the struggle, it loves when something is wrong. If there’s no drama to solve, the ego dies. But it doesn’t want to die. So it keeps nudging you to get better.
There’s a belief in the self-dev/spirituality community that there’s the real you, the authentic Self. THE SELF that you’re uncovering. Guess what? There’s no such thing, it’s still ego. You are you, never mind that there’s no such thing as ‘I’ anyway.
So to answer the question
Where to stop your personal development? Sometimes I feel disconnected because it’s never enough. It makes me feel like I keep chasing something and am also unhappy with what I have right now. Does it make sense?”
Play a different game altogether
- You will never get ‘there’ because there’s no there to get to, only here. This isn’t a philosophical statement by the way. Consider, that you have never ever been somewhere else than here. You are ‘here’ now reading this and later you will still be ‘here’ doing something else. ‘There’ is a mind-made concept that is not based in reality.
- Admit that you are already okay and you’re the only authority that knows who you are and what you need. Why do you think someone else outside of you knows better? Really, WHY?
- Stick to timeless principles (stoicism, meditation, exercise, healthy eating, good sleep, reading books) over the next social media trend. Good sleep, exercising, nourishing food and low stress solve 80% of our problems. Meditation, reading and philosophy help with keeping the mind sharp.
You can’t self-develop your way out of dying anyway.
